This is - credit where credit's due and all that - my manservant Prakash's idea. After I received yet another rejection letter from a publisher for my memoirs - "out of step with the times and frankly unbelievable" as the young whipper-snapper put it, Prakash suggested that I could enlighten the multitude and provide a justification for my frequently misunderstood actions by posting it chapter by chapter on the interwebbing. Which strikes me as a jolly splendid idea.
Over the coming weeks and months, therefore, I shall be "posting" - as I believe today's youngsters have it - some rousing anecdotes of adventure, skullduggery and personal enrichment in assorted corners of the British Empire, along with reminiscences of my long and interesting life and some observations about what is wrong with England today, a subject which - were I to do it justice - would end up swamping the whole bally thing.
I mean, you only have to look: When the country is overrun with divorcees - some of them sitting in parliament, no less - Anglican priests are permitted to grow beards and the second-in-line to the throne marries someone whose parents are in trade, one may well ask what chance is there of Britannia regaining her empire and again dominating the world like a thingummy? Names escapes me. Tall chap.
Where was I?
Oh yes - memoirs. I have had an adventurous life dealing - firmly but fairly - with the world's unwashed, and see it as a public duty to provide a stirring example to today's slack-trousered adolescents and what-not in order to inspire, enlighten and entertain.
Colossus. That's the fellow. Carry on!