Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Et tu, Daily Telegraph?

Choked on m'kedgeree the other day at a front page headline in The Daily Telegraph, announcing that 'experts' (presumably the sort with pale complexions, clammy hands and long gaberdine overcoats) have said that, and I quote, 'not all porn is bad', and that Britannia's sons and daughters should be exposed to cinematographs of 'Continental goings-on' as part of their education.

After my feelings of dread horror receded, the thought struck me - as thoughts occasionally do - that were the government to ban all pornography except educational films made by the Daily Telegraph, important life-lessons could be blended in with the naughtiness to the benefit of all. I then sat down to pen a draft script for such a work. As the editors have yet to respond, thought it best to place it as a work-in-progress directly before the public.

[Scene 1: A bright sunny day at Lustington Manor, home of Lord Lustington-Cantaloupe in the pleasant Wiltshire village of Bell End (telegraphic address: Lusty Melons, Bell End Wilts). There is a crisp knock at the door and his Lordship's daughter, the Hon Petronella Lustington-Cantaloupe sashays down the hall in a fetching tweed twin-set to open it herself, servants being so difficult to retain these days. Outside is a tall, muscular man carrying a tool-grip.]
"Good morning m'lady. My name is Algernon Shagby-Foxwell. I've come to restore the Rembrandt."
"Well in that case I think you had better use the tradesmen's entrance."
"I mean the side door, you oik!" [She shuts the door firmly in his face]

[Scene 2 - The master bedroom. Lord Lustington-Cantaloupe is being dressed by the Filipina maid, Miss Belladomina Bangabang]
"Ooh - let me just feel this in my hand! Mmm! It is so heavy! [gasps] But where is the other one?"
"If mem'ry serves me right, it's hangin' on a barbed-wire fence just outside Kohima."
"You poor man! But why were you wearing Old Harrovian cufflinks in the Burmese jungle anyway?"
"I was incognito." [To be continued, and so on and so forth]

All suggestions, constructive criticism and offers of funding and so forth gratefully received.


  1. Hmm, I think the plot is rather complex for pornographic entertainment, but it may appeal to those with a fetish for tools and trinkets.

  2. Can't say I approve. Marmo. Wingate would never have had an Old Harrovian around th'place. And I hope yer not alludin' ter m'own daughter, Petronella. She'd never own anything Dutch, or I'm a Dutchman!

  3. Mr Bananas - Thank you for your valuable contribution. I shall waste no time updating the script.

    Deakin - You are a Dutchman, if memory and the Rhodes and Milner School Atlas serve me right. The drier sort, admittedly, but still a Dutchman. Carry orn!

  4. To: Col N. M. E. Adthy-Gates, WC and bar.

    Sir! I must commend your proposed vignettes for adult education. I myself participated in such a film with Ladies Tabitha and Bagitha Chufferton-Chuff between the wars. I played the brawny rogue of a butler, and was delivering Italian peasant food on a silver salver with a hole in the middle. "Goodness, Tabitha," said milady, "what's twelve inches long with a big round end?", to which her sister replied, "I've no idea, dear heart, but it's firmly wedged in my Cucina!". Those were the days, what?

    Yours, etc.

    Indigo Roth

  5. Algernon's part is too small to keep my attention, could we have more details about what he's wearing and texture of his toolbag?